In the year 2000 at age 37, I experienced a miscarriage.
I received the news at my first ultrasound appointment, when the technician, lacking bedside manners, bluntly said “There’s nothing there. See, it’s a big black hole.” I was stunned. Even though my hormone levels still indicated pregnancy, the cells had stopped developing weeks earlier, leaving me gestating what felt like a void. Naturally, it was difficult to hear and process.
Enter my alter ego: Brightsider! I found a way to adapt to this sudden change in reality. I accepted the loss fairly well and figured that my child-bearing years had come to an end. All good. I had a wonderful son, a shining light in my life, and we were content as a family. Life moved forward.
Four years later I became pregnant again.
How sweet, I thought. Another baby. Given my previous miscarriage, I opted for an earlier first sonogram. My mom accompanied me to the appointment. I was anxious about the possibility of hearing news of another empty womb, so I braced myself for the outcome. This time, the tech gently put her hand on my arm and uttered the three words that would forever stay with me:
“I’m seeing two.”
Mom embraced the news with immediate joy, but not me. I couldn’t believe it. My initial response was “That’s impossible! Twins don’t run in our families, and I haven’t used any fertility treatments.” IMPOSSIBLE!
My doctor explained that “spontaneous twins” can occur in women of a “certain age” (nice dig, lol) and that after age 35, polyovulation (yes it’s a thing, who knew?) becomes more common. I was so resistant to this entire scenario! I was 41 years old, had endured a previous miscarriage, and couldn’t fathom raising TWO MORE KIDS AT ONCE! In my 40s and 50s! I did not want to accept any of it. I told my husband when they turned 18 I’d be SIXTY! He stated the obvious, “In 18 years, you’ll be 60 anyway.”
Good point. I still didn’t love it, but good point.
Struggling to assimilate, I went home feeling like I was in a time warp, a la “The Matrix.” Time suspended while I wrestled with this new reality. As we all eventually realize, resistance was futile—cue the Universe having a chuckle at my expense—in fact, it only took me 1.5 days to embrace it. I vividly remember having a deep sense that if I persistently repelled against this situation, it might lead to a negative outcome. If I kept saying, “I don’t want to have twins,” the Universe just might deliver. I could potentially experience another miscarriage or, worse yet, a stillbirth (coincidentally, a friend had recently endured this while pregnant with twins, giving birth to one living baby.)
I was acutely aware of all the ways women suffer in pregnancy and childbirth, and I knew I needed to shift into gratitude. I dedicated the next day and a half to fully embracing this new reality.
The rest, as they say, is history.
Looking back, I see a few things with clarity. First, as intensely as I opposed the pregnancy in those first few dozen hours, I take pride in how relatively quickly I was able accept it and get back into the flow of my true life path. Second, I was a rockstar! Twin pregnancy at age 41? I defied most statistics. A high percentage of 40+ women do not carry to full term, even with single births. I went all the way to my due date. And lastly, my girls are truly two of the coolest young women I know. I’ve loved watching their lives unfold! They’re 2/3 of my biggest sources of gratitude to this day. 🙂
Dear Dreamers, in what ways do you block energies as the Universe delivers upheaval in your life? How could you ease resistance the next time something unwelcome suddenly arrives? This week’s Soul Guidance reading assists with one possible way of transmuting unexpected change.
Check out the reading here, and I invite you to share your perspective by leaving a comment below, or on my YouTube channel.
Me at around 33 weeks!