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Unearthing Our Deep Emotional Layers

By angela
February 28, 2024

In my early 20s, I briefly shared an apartment with a friend of a friend. (Let’s call her Josie for this story.) It was my third rental after leaving home, but it marked the first time I shared space and expenses with another. I entered this situation because I thought it would be more financially efficient. For a few months, it was.

Until it wasn’t.

Josie paid her half of the rent every month, but after some time she began to come up short on our other bills. I initially brushed this off (with my usual Brightsider take), attributing it to forgetfulness. Each month, I’d politely remind Josie of her outstanding payments. Each month, she promised to pay, but oftentimes she’d square with me weeks after I covered the bills, putting a strain on my own budget. This imbalance went on for several months.

Then came the breaking point.

I arrived home one evening, after making the crawling rush-hour commute from my job near LAX to our apartment in North Hollywood (Angelenos know this is not a quick trip). Josie had agreed the night before that she’d leave a check for me in the morning.

I walked in the door, worn out and ready to drop. No check.

I’m not typically prone to angry outbursts. Growing up with a volatile father, I actively chose not to replicate that behavior. In general, I made a conscious effort to keep my temper cool, to talk things through and work them out.

Yet on this particular day, I felt like a volcano on the brink of eruption.

When Josie arrived home, I let her have it, confronting her with the full weight of my pent-up frustration and resentment. The ferocity in my voice startled even me. When I finished unleashing, Josie’s jaw dropped to the floor, the echoes of my rage lingering in the silence of the apartment.

Honestly, I can’t recall whether she ever paid up. However, that moment and the fury that arose from deep within will forever be ingrained in my memory. This behavior was an aberration for me, and it’s precisely why I find it unforgettable.

It wasn’t until many years later that I realized this incident wasn’t merely about unpaid bills or financial inconvenience. It ran much deeper. It rooted out a well of anxiety and fear surrounding monetary uncertainty that I had long buried within myself.

Carrying profound fears of inadequacy—of not being or having enough—is a common experience for many of us. Stashed beneath the surface and often long forgotten, these emotions can easily be triggered, sometimes surging up without warning.

Looking back, I wish I had possessed the insight to recognize the true source of my anger sooner. Had this scenario played out today, it would have been resolved without the unexpected outburst. Josie would have received more grace and understanding from “current me.”

The Soul Guidance reading this week shows us one way to navigate the deep waters of unexpressed emotions. Like the ocean, our inner beings contain multiple layers of sensations and memories, with varying depths and several currents moving in many directions at once. Clearing and releasing feelings from our Souls can be daunting and frightening. Ultimately though, this important Soul work leaves us feeling lighter and freer.

watch this reading here!

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